Train New Joiners👦💼
Good morning, readers!👋
How are you doing today?
A Survival Guide for the Brave, the Tired, and the Voluntold.😌☕
Ah, yes, the onboarding of new employees. That enchanting period when hope collides with reality, schedules inexplicably become packed, and everyone unexpectedly takes on the role of a mentor, whether they are willing or not.
In some corner of HR, a spreadsheet is being updated.
Meanwhile, a new employee is logging in for the very first time, brimming with hope, curiosity, and the naive assumption that "training" equates to acquiring valuable knowledge.
Bless their heart.❤️
Day 1: The Orientation Illusion!🎭
The new employee arrives (either virtually or in person), equipped with a smile and a notebook that will likely remain unopened.
They’re greeted with: "We’re like a family here"👨👩👧👦 - "Feel free to ask any questions" - "Don’t worry, the learning curve is gentle" - Meanwhile, the trainer is pondering:
Who assigned me this? Was this part of my job description? Did I upset the universe?
The agenda states "Overview – 30 minutes."
Reality, however, reveals, "Three hours, 42 tabs open, and one nervous laugh every 90 seconds."😬
The Tools Tour: Welcome to Software Soup.🍜
Training a new team member involves detailing 17 tools, 9 of which:
- Perform identical functions
- Are partially outdated
- Only function on every other Tuesday
"This is Jira… or maybe Confluence… no, hold on, that’s Notion… actually, we ceased using that last quarter but still sort of utilise it." 🤡
The new team member nods with assurance.
They grasp nothing. Yet they nod. Oh, how they nod.
Live Demonstrations: A Celebration of Mishaps🎪
There’s nothing quite like a demo that ran flawlessly yesterday but decides to act up today, bringing everyone together.
You click. Nothing occurs. You click once more. Still nothing.
You chuckle and remark:
"Haha, this typically works!" It doesn’t. It has never functioned.
Yet, saying this feels like a crime.🚔
The new team member observes quietly, pondering their life decisions and contemplating whether it’s too late to fake a Wi-Fi outage.📶❌
"Any Questions?" The Most Dangerous Sentence.💣
You pose the question, "Any questions?" fully aware of the impending response.
Option A:
- Total silence.🦗 They grasped nothing but are unsure how to begin.
Option B:
- The singular question. The profound one, the one that reveals the whole structure as a fragile facade.🃏
Your response is:
"That’s an excellent question… let’s revisit this later." (You have no intention of revisiting it).
Week 3: The Confidence Cliff🧗♂️
At this point, the newcomer:
- Has access to all resources
- Is completely lost
- Is unexpectedly given actual tasks
They claim, "I believe I understand." They really don’t understand.
But neither does anyone else, so it’s all good.👍
You reassure them:
"You’ll learn through experience!"
Which translates in corporate speak to: Good luck. Safe travels. May fortune smile upon you.🍀
In Summary: We Undertake This Out of Necessity😌
Onboarding new team members can be a whirlwind of chaos, fatigue, and sometimes, a sense of achievement, all fueled by coffee and collective bewilderment.☕🤝
However, there will come a day, one splendid day, when that new team member will go on to train yet another newcomer.
You’ll observe from the sidelines, a gentle smile on your face, as they reassure:
"No need to fret, this is a breeze." And so, the cycle goes on.🔁😈
Welcome aboard the team.!
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