Salary Negotiation🤑
Good afternoon, readers!!!👋
How are you doing today?!
💸Salary Negotiation: A Survival Guide for the Chronically Underpaid (aka All of Us)Ah, the art of salary negotiation — that enchanting process where you maintain a polite smile while a company attempts to determine the minimum amount of money you’ll agree to without shedding tears.😭
If job interviews are akin to dating, then salary negotiation is that moment when you feign having "other options" while frantically searching "Can humans photosynthesise yet?" to save on grocery bills.
But don’t worry: here’s the absolutely-not-HR-sanctioned guide to negotiating your salary like a wild gremlin with nothing to lose.👹
🧘♂️Step 1: Confidence — Pretend So Vividly That You Start to Believe It.
Approach the negotiation with the calm self-assurance of a cat that has never had to pay rent.🐈
Use phrases like: "I’m really aiming for a salary in the $95–120K range."
Translation: I’d gladly accept $72K and a complimentary water bottle, but keep that between us.
If you come across as uncertain, they’ll pick up on the desperation — and HR experts can sense financial anxiety just like sharks detect blood in the water.🦈
🎩Step 2: Utilise "Market Data" (also known as 10 Seconds on Google).
Corporations have a strong affinity for data.📊
So, make sure to confidently mention:
- “industry averages”
- “current market standards”
- “GDP fluctuations or whatever”
Have you actually gone through a single research report? No.
But just say, “According to a recent survey,” and observe how they squint like:
“Did they read it in Forbes, or was this a TikTok with graphs?”🤨
They won’t have a clue. You won’t have a clue. It’s the perfect equilibrium.⚖️
⏳Step 3: Perfect the Art of the Pregnant Pause.
When they present their initial offer, respond as if they just informed you of your cat's passing.⚰️
Then, embrace the silence… complete silence.😶
People dread silence more than they do job losses.
Allow them to bridge the gap with a more favourable figure, additional perks, or — on the rare occasion — dental insurance that covers more than just "emergencies and regrets."🎁
🧠Step 4: Keep in Mind: Benefits Matter (Sadly).
If they can't increase your salary, they might provide "perks" such as:
🎁"Benefit" Offered 😒Actual Meaning
"We’re like a family!"👨👩👧👦 You will be expected to work weekends.📆
"Pizza Fridays"🍕 Your salary will remain unchanged until 2034🧊
"Unlimited PTO"✈️ You will likely never take any PTO📵
"Hybrid Work"🏠 3 days in the office, 2 days feeling guilty at home😬
Stay resilient, at the very least, ask for something useful — like a monitor that isn’t from 2008 or a chair that won’t ruin your back by age 42.
🧯Step 5: Be Prepared to Walk Away (But Don't Forget to Cry Later).
The most impactful phrase in any negotiation is: "I’m sorry, but that won’t work for me."
Deliver it with calmness — as if you have a savings account rather than just a collection of financial emergency group chats.🔥
If they call your bluff… Well, you may actually need to walk away.🚶♀️💨
But that’s perfectly fine — you can cry, panic, and apply to 24 jobs on LinkedIn afterwards just like everyone else.💼
Negotiating your salary goes beyond just the financial aspect — it’s about earning respect, demonstrating your value, and showing that you’re not the easy target your previous employer made you out to be.🥲
Be courageous. Be ready.🦁
And if nothing else works, consider creating a PowerPoint presentation titled: “Why I Deserve More Money: A Trauma-Informed Analysis”.🧵
In the worst-case scenario, you might not receive the raise, but you’ll definitely become a legend in HR group chats.🤣
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